Back in 2006, a writer for Slate.com, David Plotz, decided he was going to read the Bible and blog about it (well, the Torah to be precise. He skipped the New Testament). The idea was to discover the foundation of three of the world’s major religions through the eyes of someone who had little knowledge of it.
So the time came this week when I ran out of books to read and I hadn’t gotten to the library to find any new ones and well, we got a couple of bibles in the house (including a Gaelic language one) so I decided I’d take the same approach.
I started, um, in the beginning with the Book of Genesis. In a couple of chapters, God creates the world, a man, a woman, and every living thing and then gives Adam the job of naming them. Then he makes a tree and tells Adam and Eve they can eat anything in the Garden of Eden except for the fruit from the Tree of Knowledge (which is not identified as an apple), much like Chief Wiggum’s Forbidden Closet of Mystery. Then a serpent (not Satan) tells Eve she’ll be as a god if she eats the fruit, so she does and gets Adam to do so as well.
When confronted by God about this, Adam says “Yeah, well the woman YOU MADE FOR ME went and tempted me so this is, like, your fault.” God banishes them from the Garden and tells Eve “Maybe now you’ll listen to your husband!” And that’s why women don’t get paid as much as men.
God then sends a cherub with a flaming sword to the Garden to keep the newly disgraced humans out. On the next page, He gets mad at the world and the wicked 900 year olds who live in it and floods the place (except for Noah and his family).
Now, here’s my question to the theologians and biblical scholars out there: Did God’s flood drown the cherub in the Garden of Eden? I mean, he was sent there by God to work the door so you’d think he would get a transfer back to Heaven before the big show but then, God’s pretty quick to anger in this book. There is no day where He creates impulse control, which if he did, he would see that it is good. I rather think He just forgot all about the cherub. Poor guy.
I swear, this is better than The Lord of the Rings.