Thirty-Eight

Is my age and also my goal. Every year I declare that this is the year I’m going to lose weight and every year my clothing gets smaller. So this year, I’ve told myself that the only thing I want to do is go down one size in pants from a 40 inch waist to a 38 inch one.

The problem with this is that I hate gyms. And exercise. And healthy people in general. I hate their smug assertion that 30 minutes of cardio kickboxing gives infinitely more pleasure than a six-pack, a bag of Doritos, and HBO. Liars. Besides, as Christopher Hitchens, whom I normally dislike, once wrote convincingly, “…exercise is a pastime only for those who are already slender and physically fit. It just isn’t so much fun when you have a marked tendency to wheeze and throw up, and a cannonball of a belly sloshing around inside the baggy garments.” Nobody needs to see my disgraced form huffing and puffing on a treadmill set to level 2.5.

So I exercise in secret, using coffee breaks to walk up and down five flights of stairs two or three times a day, giving up the post-dinner snacks, and getting into the Wii Fit Plus routines, all so that I may someday, in the far off future no longer have to drag my shameful physique into the office step aerobics class. But for now, all I’d like to do is buy a pair of jeans one size smaller than the ones I’m wearing now.

The Wii Fit Plus arrived yesterday and informed me that I am not only obese, but slouchy and off-balance as well. I am also not walking correctly, apparently.

So I chose my personal trainer (you can chose between a male or a female. I chose the latter  – I’ll say it – because she’s hot) and started going through the exercises. So far, it’s not so bad. I kind of like yoga. Who knew? Maybe this will be the thing that finally works.

Besides, I think my trainer likes me.

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6 thoughts on “Thirty-Eight

  1. Yeah, I picked the babe also. She really seems to think I’m doing well even if she notices that I put my foot down. I’ve finally created a routine. Now I just need to get to sleep early enough to wake up and do it before everyone wakes up.

  2. I love reading your writing, even if it’s to poke fun at things I post (previous entry) 😉

    Good on you for the stairs and the wii fit. Look, I’ll only mention one thing: Trevor HATES gyms, etc. I tried to convince him to try all sorts of things with me – including cardio kick-a-whatever – and he solidly refused.

    Then he finally came with me to CrossFit and hasn’t looked back. Turns out he’s really good at weightlifting in particular. Why am I telling you this? I dunno. One of those “I’ve got religion moments”, I guess.

    • OK, maybe some things you post (among other things I’m reading) end up becoming a springboard for some of the stuff I post but I swear I’m not poking fun. I swear!

  3. Pingback: Mission Accomplished « Shatnerian

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