To the person who keeps bringing in fresh baked cookies to my office:

Listen, you know I’m trying to lose weight. I go to the gym every day and run my fat arse off. I’m cutting back on the breads and fast food and everything. You know I have a goal to lose ten pounds by Christmas so I can put it all back on guilt free. I also have a long term to slim down to a respectable hipster body type with 2% body fat and a 28″ waist.

You are no doubt aware that chocolate chip cookies are my own personal kryptonite. Not eating them is simply not an option. What’s more, if I discover that you have more and are holding out on me, I will find you, push you down, grab your cookie tin and scream “MINE!!!” before retreating to my cubicle to consume them while hiding under my desk to ensure that nobody steals my precious.

As you can see, your actions are disrupting my goal to become to hit People Magazine’s 50 Most Beautiful People List – as soon as they expand the number to 14,982,821. So please stop bringing them in or I may just choose to eat those for my lunch instead of the raw vegetables I’ve been forcing myself to eat.


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