Open Letter to Archie Andrews of Riverdale, USA

Dear Archie

Dude, seriously? Sure, she’s hot, and probably more interesting than Betty. However, you need to remember the old saying about possession leading to contempt. What was once charming about your middle class tastes (chain restaurants, reality TV, menswear from Sears) will soon be an irritant to her. I just wonder if you’ll ever overcome the class divide.

In other words, like she’s not gonna dump your ginger ass the minute Reggie Mantle makes his first million off a Ponzi scheme.

Kind regards,
John

No Heroics

This is one of those shows that will likely never air in Canada but for any comic fan, No Heroics is a treat. Set in London, the British sit-com features 3rd tier superheroes during their off hours, which they mostly spend in a pub. I spent the weekend watching all six episodes of the first series.

If you’re in touch with *ahem*a sharing community of your peers, it’s worth a look.

A pilot for an American version of the show was shot starring Freddie Prinze Jr. but thankfully, it was never picked up.

V

Before you ask the question, the answer is: No, Hollywood has no original ideas. Just remakes. But really, who cares?

Ain't no shocker. We love our BluBlockers.

So ABC is remaking the NBC 1980′s cheese fest that was V. Originally two miniseries, then a series, V was the tale of a bunch of BluBlocker wearing aliens who come to Earth, and despite the fact that they dress like fascists, are warmly embraced by a naive populace. Then they steal all the water. And only Marc Singer can stop them. Oh, and they look human but are actually lizards who eat mice.

I have to admit I’m a sucker for this stuff. My favourite part of any alien invasion movie is the first 20 minutes when the population looks on in fear and awe and the authorities scramble to respond. Then Keanu Reeves shows up or Jeff Goldblum uses a laptop to upload a computer virus to the mothership and it all goes pear-shaped for me.

So this new V’s got that in spades. The trailer appears to give away the main twist of the series – that they’re eeeeevil so it appears to be a straight-up remake. However, as the new Battlestar Galactica improved upon the original, I would hope that this new version puts its own stamp on things. And from the looks of the trailer, it might actually be the first conservative sci-fi series in a long time: good looking people show up offering hope n’ change but a Homeland Security agent figures it’s really a socialist agenda to steal our water and impose public health care on unsuspecting Americans. That, however, may be reading a little too much into a three minute trailer for a show that’s barely in production. 

Like 90% of all new shows, this will likely not make it past the first season. But if it does, and if it’s done right, it could just be an enjoyable and unchallenging little cheeseball to take in on a weekly basis.

Parenting Blogs

Yeah, I read a lot of them these days but I think whythefuckdoyouhaveakid just might be the greatest of them all.

UPDATE

As per the comments, this is the offending photo of me and the wee lad in question:

The First Movie I Ever Hated

Last weekend the missus and I bought two new sleep sacks for the wee lad. One was orange with the word, “pumpkin” stenciled across the bottom. The other was green with the words “sweet pea”. 

“That’s a bit girly,” I thought. And to those of you instantly judging me for buying into gender roles, I can only say, “suck it.”

“Oh, wait,” I remembered. “Popeye‘s son was called Swee’pea. So I guess it’s ok.”

And that took me back to my childhood and the utter disappointment in the motion picture adaptation of the classic cartoon character.

As a kid, I was in a no way a precocious film snob. I enjoyed pretty much anything so long as it was funny and/or had special effects and/or was animated. I liked Superman more than Star Wars, even if I objected to Marlon Brando’s Jor-El. I liked things like Walt Disney’s take on Robin Hood as well. I wasn’t a hard kid to entertain.

So when I heard that one of my favourite actors was going to play Popeye, I was excited. I had no particular attachment to the title character. I just thought it was cool that they were going to do a live-action adaptation of an animated character. Or, as I called it back then, with “real people”.

There is only one interesting thing about Popeye: Upon emptying into his mouth the contents of a can of spinach, he becomes super-strong at crucial times. To see Mork from Ork doing that seemed like a no-lose proposition. 

So it was a strange experience to sit in a theatre and see this rambling musical about a guy who hates spinach. I guess Superman is to blame for this idea that filmmakers have that, when adapting a cartoon character to fim, what audiences really want is to wait 45 minutes before the hero shows up. Popeye took this idea and stretched it out to the very end of the film when Popeye eats his spinach and gets his strength. Like Superman, it was an origin film. Unlike Superman, it was terrible.

Despite being directed by Robert Altman, written by Jules Pfeiffer, with music by Harry Nillsen, it was clear, even to a nine year old (who was unaware of any of these things), that this was a mess. But it was interesting to learn that when adapting cartoon characters, some filmmakers simply don’t trust the source material and that this was going to be a problem for the next twenty years.

I think the next movie I saw after that was Arthur. Oh, that lovable drunk!